Mission Impossible: Zack Fair Edition
by Ultimolu
Summary: Zack Fair is on a mission-a mission to drive his commanding officers insane, that is. With his sidekicks 'Chocobo Kid' and 'Pretty Boy' by his side, nothing can possibly go wrong, right?
1. Excerpt: Your Mission

**A/N**: I couldn't resist. I had this extremely soft, warm spot for Zack Fair ever since I played Crisis Core and decided to search for almost every humor/friendship story I could find where he's involved. I spent nights literally cracking up at most of them. Eventually, I decided to start working on my own collection of funny stories involving out lovable soldier. I couldn't get the _Mission Impossible_ theme out of my head either.

_Incarnatus_ should be updated soon and I have started on the second chapter. I also have another dark story in mind but it will have to wait until I get halfway into these stories.

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**Notes**: This is a pure humor/crack story. There is no yaoi involved whatsoever. I don't mind yaoi, but I am not fond of it. This, of course also takes place before Sephiroth lost his mind in the whirly wind and the whole world was seconds away from becoming pancake batter. This story is also rated T for minor stuff that may not be appropriate for K+. I also hope to keep everyone in character as much as possible, including Zack and his crazy, lovable self.

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**Mission Impossible**: Zack Fair Edition

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**Excerpt 00**: Your Mission...

_In which ShinRa will never be the same again…_

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**2nd**** Class SOLDIER Zack Fair,**

**...**

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to pull off the greatest pranks known to man, against two highly trained commanders and one powerful general. You will have a choice of four operatives for this mission.

Your first operative's name is Cloud and is otherwise known as the 'Chocobo Kid'. He will provide backup when needed. He may also be used as a personal human shield, should you fail one of your missions and face the possibility of being skinned alive by the general's katana.

Your second operative goes by the name Kunsel and will be your third right hand man. He will most likely help you in certain tight situations…when his life is not on the line that is.

Your third operative in crime will most likely be too scared to get involved with your mission and will probably crap his pants at the mere mention of the general's name.

Your fourth operative is Reno, otherwise known as 'Pretty Boy'. Even though he is a Turk, nothing will please him more than to see Shinra's greatest soldiers under the radar of your highly organized pranks. He will provide valuable Intel and knows the tricks of the trade. If you can gain his trust, then you will most likely win him over as an ally, of course.

Your very life and the life of your comrades are in your hands Zack Fair.

Should you fail your mission, then you will be at the mercy of three very angry soldiers. Be sure to run very fast and not skid around the corner when planning your escape. Should you fall on your ass, then there will be no one to save you, unless one of your allies happens to be nearby and not quaking in fear.

Good luck.

This message will self destruct in five minutes.


	2. Mission 00: Final Operative

**A/N**: Thanks so much for the two reviews, favorites, and alerts. I'm hoping to draw more people into this story because it will be funny. Made a few changes to the beginning and made a cover for the story.

Enjoy!

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**Mission 00: **Final Operative

_In which not even a short chocobo kid could escape the watery blue eyes of doom  
_

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"Zack…I still don't think this is a good idea."

"Are you kidding Cloudy? It's almost April Fools! It'll be brilliant, I promise! Hey, that spy in the movie we watched a week ago knew what he was doing! C'mon, have more faith in me!"

Cloud twitched.

He resisted the urge to smack his head into the coffee table in front of him. Being dragged into what could possibly be Zackery Fair's deadliest plan to drive their superiors insane was not something he wanted to get involved with. He should have known better than to allow Zack to watch any movie that involved spies and espionage. Now he had to worry about the abrupt end to his young life. He could see the headlines in Midgar's daily newspaper –'Adorable solider boy skewered alive by the Demon of Wutai'. The mere thought of being at the mercy of his idol and the most feared general in the world made Cloud shudder.

But that didn't mean that the other two commanders of Shinra were pushovers either. Angeal could impale him with his Buster Sword. Genesis could force him to quote LOVELESS until his ears bled, along with everything else. Yeah, Cloud only cared about his wellbeing at this point.

He was getting out of this right now.

Here he was, in the middle of Zack's apartment, surrounded by cartons of Chinese food, cookies and packs of chocolate. They were all scattered on a coffee table unceremoniously, leaving him to wonder if Zack had done any sleeping at all. It was a miracle he was able to get across his friend's apartment without tripping over something that resembled a yellow chocobo action figure. He didn't even bother checking what it was because Zack's room was a mess.

…Literally.

Well, he did promise to meet Zack once they were off duty after being told their meeting was 'confidential'. Why his crazy friend was using strange commando jargon and demanded to know if he was being followed, he didn't know, but the latter soon became apparent along with everything else.

Maybe he should have stayed in his own room. His Cloud senses were tingling, and it all pointed to the fact this wasn't a good idea at all.

"Zack…" Cloud began. He was speaking slowly, as if he was scolding a hyperactive child. "…Mission Impossible was a movie. Right now, we live in the real world, with real commanders and a very real general. What you're planning could possibly get us killed, including Kunsel. I'm sorry but I'm not looking to die before I get to see my real battle as a SOLDIER."

"Ah…" Zack held out a single hyperactive finger. "…but with the right plan, nothing can possibly go wrong! We just need the right gadgets for the job!"

Cloud blinked. "…Gadgets…?"

"Yup!" Zack quipped. "With Kunsel's help, we'll do just fine! Trust me Cloudy; no one will suspect what's going on! Each mission is full proof!"

Cloud suppressed the groan that came from the pit of his stomach. Not only was Kunsel dragged into this, Reno was buying into it as well. Was he the only sane person who didn't want to die?

_Nothing can go wrong he says! Every prank is full proof he says! A lot of things can go wrong! We could die and be on the front page! Our carcasses could be hanged in front of Shinra's base! I'll probably never see my family again or even my childhood friend! I didn't even write a will!_

And so, the panicking began, as the young soldier began to play the possible scenarios of death in his mind. Before he could come up with more scenarios to justify why Zack was an idiot in the first place, a rather friendly arm was placed around his shoulders. Well, a part of it was friendly, while the other half was to coax Cloud into joining the missions of doom.

"Cloudy, you're my best friend! There's no way I'll allow you to get killed! Stop being so dramatic! Like I said, I got it all figured out! I'm the brains behind this operation! All you have to do is provide backup when needed. It's that simple—"

"No."

"Huh?"

"You heard me."

Zack gave him an innocent look. "…No what?"

"You're not going to turn me into some sacrificial lamb for your pranks."

"Oh c'mon Cloudy!" Zack whined.

"You're insane."

"But Cloudy!"

"Stop calling me Cloudy!"

Cloud's request was ignored. "Please Cloudy?"

"No Zack. This idea is stupid!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Pleaaaase?"

And so, Zackary Fair did what Cloud wished he hadn't done at all—the watery baby blue eyes of doom. Those eyes were enough to make even a sane person give in to his insane plans. As much as Cloud tried to resist it, the magnetic pull was just too much for him to handle.

It was only a matter of time before Cloud hung his head in complete and utter surrender.

And Zack suddenly grinned.

"I knew you wouldn't let me down Cloudy!"

"Shut-up Zack."

Cloud couldn't help but cringe, when Zack started humming the Mission Impossible theme.


	3. Mission 00: Suspicions

Thanks to the few people who reviewed this story so far. I hope to attract more people as I continue to update. Please, don't be afraid to leave feedback. I don't bite and I am always open to suggestions. Soon from now I'll need people to start sending ideas in for pranks. I have some good ones in mind, but I don't mind the extra help.

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**Mission 00: **Suspicions

_In which Zack is acting…normal…?_

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_The next day…_

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…_I'm losing it…_

Angeal Hewley leaned back in the comfortable leather chair behind his polished wooden desk, still in shock. He couldn't make sense out of what happened today. Either he woke up this morning and was living in bizarro land or he had finally broken through his teenage apprentice for the first time in his entire career as a 1st class SOLDIER. Yes, Zack had done what Angeal thought wasn't humanly possible or he was even capable of doing.

He behaved an entire day.

No whining, no attempts to steal Masamune and sell it on E-Bay, no 'accidental' food fights in the cafeteria, no pillow fights, no random fights with the Turks, no drunken parties, no running away from a murderous Sephiroth or Genesis, nothing.

Today seemed quiet, almost too quiet for words.

For once, Zackary Fair behaved like a mature 2nd class SOLDIER. He completed exercises, came in on time and even addressed his superiors with respect. No nicknames or name butchering of any kind. Of course Sephiroth and Genesis were suspicious just like he was, but even they couldn't explain Zack's sudden change. It would have been logical to conclude that maybe, just maybe Zack was taking his training seriously. Still, Angeal couldn't help but feel this was a ploy for something bigger.

As a 1st class SOLDIER, mako injections made you alert…highly alert that is. When someone acts out of line, you know they're up to no good. In this case, Zack acting normal could only mean one thing–he was planning something. And so, Angeal sat in his office, paperwork untouched. His fingers drummed against the mahogany wood, deep in thought. This was the type of feeling that gnawed at you to the point it makes you wonder if you're the one that's going insane.

_Maybe I am going insane…_

He considered dragging Zack down to the infirmary for a routine checkup, but even that didn't sound logical either. It's not like he had a real reason to bring him downstairs. He wasn't sick or injured; unless he insisted that Zack being 'normal' was a disease. Then again, he didn't want Hojo's filthy hands on his apprentice. He was already freaked out by the man's sanity and didn't want to be freaked out anymore. Not even the puppy deserved to be turned into a lab rat for countless experiments and prodding.

His thoughts were soon interrupted, when the door to his office opened. Genesis Rhapsodos and General Sephiroth walked in and the door was soon closed behind them. They stood before him in their leather-clad glory and seemed well informed as to why they were in his office in the first place. Angeal wasn't surprised by their entrance; after all he did call them inside for a 'meeting'. It was perfect timing, considering that Zack was at lunch with that little chocobo haired kid he usually hanged out with. There were times where he felt sorry for the kid when he was dragged into Zack's schemes but at the same time, maybe that kid was part of the reason why Shinra was still intact. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember the young infantryman's name. Was it 'Cloud' or 'Chocobo Kid'? Angeal couldn't remember and right now it wasn't important.

Zack's seemingly 'normal' behavior was the hot topic for the day.

"Something isn't right," Angeal began before Genesis or Sephiroth could pitch in. "As much as I want to believe that…Zack has finally grown out of this childish behavior, it just doesn't feel right. I mean…no one changes in one day. I asked him if he was alright. He said he was fine and smiled. He just…smiled."

Angeal shuddered at the memory. Zack smiling was also a very bad sign. It usually meant that he was plotting something evil and very fiendish.

"I concur." Sephiroth agreed, crossing his arms across the muscular chest that made fangirls drop dead like moths to a flame. His deep voice already echoed the suspicions Angeal held. "I cannot associate Zackary Fair with…normal at this point."

"Or maybe we should just accept that the puppy has finally learned his lesson," Genesis said. He then shrugged. "But then again…it's creepy to associate the puppy with being normal too. Of all the pranks and the forms of idiocy he's pulled so far, perhaps we've finally succeeded in breaking him in."

Angeal frowned. "I don't know about that." His fingers stopped drumming the desk as he thought about what Genesis said. "…He took his training seriously today. No complaints, no whining…he didn't even try to steal my pot of coffee this morning. I don't know…maybe he has grown out of this."

"I doubt it." Sephiroth noted. "For Zackary to act like this today still arouses suspicion."

"Okay…" Genesis said, rolling his eyes at Sephiroth's blunt response. "…so what should we do? Strap a leash on him? Tie him down so we can force him to tell us what he's planning to do? It's not like we have solid information and we're just going by assumptions…."

Now Genesis was deep in thought.

"For now, we watch him carefully," Angeal said. "Since he's my apprentice, I'll have the opportunity to keep an eye on him the closest. I don't know what Zack is up to but one way or another we'll find out."

And so, there was an agreement between the three men. Keeping a close eye on Zack was the best thing to do, but apparently no one discussed keeping one eye open while sleeping.


	4. Mission 1: Operation Rainbow Dye, Part I

**A/N**: Thanks for the reviews and C2 mention!

-Senpuku means 'suicide' in Japanese.

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**Mission 01**: Operation Rainbow Dye, Part On_e_

_In which being in a restricted area probably isn't a very good idea…_

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_Later that evening…_

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All was quiet on the fifty-eighth floor of the Shinra building. Not a single creature was stirring— well except for one 2nd class SOLDIER and one chocobo infantryman that is.

Why they were up here or how they managed to get up here was still a mystery. Apparently, our partners in crime were engaged in an operation that only the bravest could pull off. They were about to go where no SOLDIER or infantry grunt have ever gone before. The mission was treacherous and would require every ounce of concentration and precision to pull it off.

But of course, a certain 'Chocobo Kid' was beginning to freak out already.

"Why me?!"

"Because you're smaller and can get away easily!"

"Get away?! I'll die before I get out of there! I can't believe I listened to you! We're in a restricted area and could possibly get demoted for this! And we look ridiculous! You've lost it Zack!"

Their voices were in low, hushed tones, while Cloud did a rather dramatic flap of his arms.

True enough, Zack and Cloud were sneaking down the short hallway of the fifty-eighth floor, all of which housed three 1st class SOLDIERS. It was dangerous, it was risky and they were most likely to get caught. But Zack, being the daredevil and fearless prankster that he was had a plan. It was rare for him to have a method to his madness, but this time he was well prepared. Both he and Cloud were dressed in attire that was suitable for a ninja on Halloween night. This was for operation purposes and somehow concealed their identities. Cloud pointed out that they looked like complete idiots, while Zack insisted that the outfits were just perfect for their mission.

"_The guy in Mission Impossible wore black! All we have to do is find something that'll hide our identities!"_

"_You're an idiot Zack."_

_"Hey!"_

Kunsel suggested going to the Wall Market for the disguises. According to Zack, there would be no fingerprints, questions, and no one will ever suspect they were entering the quarters of the deadliest SOLDIER in Shinra. Well, unless the said SOLDIER ruined their plans and they had to run for their young lives, that is.

"C'mon Spiky, we'll be fine. Besides, we have walkie-talkies and I have your back! And we're not going to get demoted!"

Cloud remained unconvinced. "We're still going to get caught! If he finds out, he'll turn us into chopped meat! I don't want to die at the hands of the general! I want to see the world and make it into SOLDIER! And you… have my back? I bet that if this backfires, you'll run and leave me here!"

"Oh quit being so dramatic!" Zack whispered harshly. "You agreed to it so you can't back out now!"

"That's because you threatened to blackmail me!"

"And the threat still stands!"

Cloud's face paled. You see, he had four types of paled faces. The first paled face was more like 'I think I'm about to throw up.' The second one was the 'don't you freaking dare!' look. The third one was reserved for the commanders of Shinra and the man they were about to prank now and mind you, Zack forcing him to go on a suicide mission wasn't helping the situation either. The final one was the 'we're about to die' face.

Based on what they were about to do, Cloud's face was a combination of one, two, three and four.

Apparently, Cloud's obsession with a teddy bear named 'Pookie' doomed him to Zack's threat to expose his childhood fetish. Despite him being his best friend and partner in crime, Zack was not about to pull off his infamous pranks without a willing assistant. Reno would have been his second choice but that damned Turk was always piss drunk and would most likely ruin the entire operation.

It took everything in Cloud not to strange Zack, or smacking his head against the wall. Here they were, backs pressed against the wall like sardines in a can, complete with a small black duffel bag, all of which contained their tools for destruction.

_One full bottle of rainbow colored dye?_ –**Check**

_One slingshot for emergency purposes?_ –**Check**

_Four smooth round stones for said slingshot?_-**Check**

_Two walkie-talkies?_-**Check**

Zackary Fair had this entire operation under control.

Cloud had the bag because he was about to embark on the dangerous assignment. Zack was certain that their victim wouldn't be back until later. Somehow, mounds of paperwork would keep their victim busy for a while. It gave Cloud at least twenty minutes to set up and get the hell out of there before there were any surprises. That meant that the two commanders were also busy with their duties so no interruptions were expected.

Zack laid out the entire plan on paper (along with adorable little stick figures for emphasis). Cloud was to sneak in their victim's quarters, locate the bathroom and grab his shampoo. He was to dump the shampoo and replace it with rainbow dye, (and Cloud had no idea that rainbow dye even existed). He was to then shake it up and place the bottle back in the exact location (any random turn of the bottle will immediately make their victim suspicious, since he was a neat freak beyond human comprehension).

Then he would sneak back out and close the door.

Simple?

Not quite, because Cloud was seconds away from running towards a vacant bathroom.

Zack dubbed this 'Operation Rainbow Dye.' Cloud dubbed it 'Operation Senpuku.'

What possessed 2nd class SOLDIER Zackary Fair to begin his operation of pranks on this particular victim was beyond anyone's guess. Perhaps he had a death wish. Perhaps he enjoyed being chased with the long, razor sharped weapon known as Masamune. Perhaps he wanted to see how much of an effect rainbow dye would have on silver-white hair.

Either way, this was not good at all.

"…You wouldn't dare…"

Zack pulled the black cloth from his mouth and gave Cloud one of his crazed smiles. "…Oh really? I'm sure you can imagine everyone's reaction when they find out an infantryman sleeps with a teddy bear—"

"Shut up Zack, just shut up!"

And so began Cloud's suicidal mission…


End file.
